well, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind lately. sometimes things seem to happen too fast, sometimes too slow.
I’m reading Jane Eyre.
I’m reading it because my therapist says “it’s about integrity,” and because it is available freely from the spokane public library. I can’t wholly imagine what it must be like to fall utterly in love… then find out that your lover has a crazy creole wife, who has been shut up in the attic and has tried to kill said lover and oneself.
that line, dreadful “if there be any who objects to this marriage, let him speak now or forever hold his peace…”
at least she is found by people who are kind. I’m not finished with it yet.
there’s also the topic of seeing the psychologist this week. I’ve been having anxiety attacks. smaller ones, after the big one the last week in august… but still. it’s overwhelming to fill out job applications because I’ve been fired from so many jobs. as well as not really fitting in as a temp the past almost two years. (see previous post.)
the debates (and the future of our beloved country) give me angst.
the renewal of the fight with my brother greg give me angst.
not having a job and being broke and not being able to pay bills or rent… you get the picture.
so this week, after I brought up that I went to the psychiatrist to discuss meds… my roommates said… “you get a present. what do you want?”
utterly perplexed, I stammered, asked for further explanation, and received, “you did something that was really hard for you. you get a present.”
still utterly perplexed… I went, uhh… I need some shirts that will fit my ample busoom?
the next day in therapy, I brought this up. it honestly made me cry.
every time my mother would say something to me that really hurt my feelings… every time my mother and I had a fight… a few days later would appear a present.
I received the last of these presents before my parents’ divorce, say, february or march of 2007. and as I looked at it, I remember thinking, “she’s only giving me this cause she can’t say she’s sorry.”
my therapist suggested that that was her way of saying I’m sorry.
honestly, I’d rather have clearly expressed sentiment than vague presents.
I associate (from my mother) gratuitous presents with some kind of hurt that she’s caused me. and, I was so perplexed by this offer of my roommates “cause that’s how we roll.” that I really didn’t know what to make of it.
I said to my therapist, at the time… “oh. that explains last christmas.” I couldn’t let my mother buy me anything. because I associate her gifts with pain she’s caused, usually by way of verbal abuse. plus, I felt like I was taking so much from her and not giving anything in return. I felt like such a loser.
and, sportsfans, I hate christmas. this will be a later post, to be sure.
but this past christmas was the first christmas after my parents’ divorce, and it was so hard for me…
plus my brother greg, who I’m fighting with now, was SUCH AN ASS. also for a later post…
on a different and funnier note, I went to karaoke with my dad *at the gay bar in town here* on wednesday night. that was fun. much more fun than I thought it would be.
he gave me $40 cause he said “I know you need it.” I will, heretofore, think of it as a bribe for going with him to karaoke.
which is funny. I generally don’t like karaoke. but it turns out — if you’re tipsy enough, it’s not so bad hearing tone-deaf renditions of songs you hate anyway, namely “bye bye miss american pie… drove my chevy to the levy…” you get the point.
so. all in all, a good week.
I’m still working on my much-overdue latter to unemployment insurance about my separation from officeteam. that I will finish and fax on monday.
and finish my americorps application. what remains is to justify what I learned thought my volunteer experiences… there have been so many it’s gonna take a while, but hopefully, I will be brief. I will learn to be brief. and the americorps website will work perfectly. etc etc.
I went to the antique show with my mom and her friend this afternoon.
church in the morning. all about rosh hashanna and the lessons of atonement. I was pretty disgusted with the sermon. shes’ an outsider. what does she know of how ugly it was. and hearing what some of the people had to say about richard’s new church… too many church politics at the uu church. too sad. too very sad. also makes me just pissed off and furious.
and later, I went to radical grace ministries first big worship event. it featured a punk band. I decided I’m too carmudgeoney for punk. the acoustic shows in our backyard on july 4th were great. but the mind-numbing, loud, can’t understand the words, so loud… that’s not for me. not at all. so I went home after about 45 minutes. my ears hurt. maybe I’m an old lady after all… I don’t know if I’m cool enough to get punk. I’m not that angry. there was certainly a time in my life where I was that angry. maybe I’m reading it all wrong. that’s fine too. but it felt like being yelled at with music.
not very pleasant. and seeing richard, and hearing what he had to say. he called us all “spiritual outsiders.” I’m not sure if that’s true about me. I’m certainly out of the mainstream. former catholic. wiccan-leaning. not really christian most days. UU. wants to be ordained… I’m outside the box. but I’m not outside the sunshine of god’s affection… never that.
So I don’t know how I feel. plus he read this thing from alistair crowley and I was not sure if I agreed with the sentiment…
I saw some friends who had left the UU church. good to see them. they left over the ugliness which ensued after richard’s departure. I was happy to see them but sad that the ugliness had happened. not really sure what’s going to happen with my relationship with them, but I love them a lot. and their kid, adorable, sat next to me for a while, while the ultra-loud music was playing, and let me pat his shoulder, his hair, his belly. it was comforting to have a companion in my awkwardness. he’s a sweet kid. he gives me kisses when I ask nicely. 🙂 he’s three or four.
lastly, I am truly grateful for friends. for people who love me and support me. and humbled by “how we roll.”
praying for a break in the drama. praying for steady ability to get stuff done. praying for employment.