"I don’t carry myself as a black person, but as a woman that belongs to everybody"
rest in peace, miz troubled, determined soul…
ummm lemme see…
we should start with the recent and move backwards…
I have a big ol crush on Christian Kane. I tend to go for really attractive men who have no interest in me. wonder why I’m single? I don’t. I tihnk I’m actually happier single. I joke and joke about my "intimacy issues," but I’m not married because I really don’t wanna be married. I joke and say "it’s cause I don’t wanna drink the kool-aid," but I wonder abotu the kind of faith required to be in a marriage, and whether or not I have it.
Last May, my dad tried to commit suicide and then, when he woke up, he told us why: he was a homosexual, he’d been sexually abused by his father from the time he was 4 or 5 years old to his teenage years. the shock and awe and hugely painful family therpay sessions were really awful times for me. but it did free me up. as my friend and pastor put it, "hey! the skeleton’s out of the closet and it’s not your skeleton!"
so for years I had been the "identified person" (if you don’t know what that means, it’s a terms used in psychology to indicate who carries the burdens in a system – a family system, work relationships, etc. basically like a scapegoat. eg "I don’t have a problem: you’re the one iwth the problem."
so for yearsI felt like the family fuck-up: can’t keep a job, doesn’t have a boyfriend, moves all around the country, lives in her parents’ basement, etc etc.
but you know? my pastor friend was right. there were a lot of things keepign me from succeeding, a lot of unwritten rules about who I could be and what I could do. I found them binding, constrictive. And I have enough integrity to know I could eiether be myself, or be who they wanted me to be, or who I thought they wanted me to be, but I couldn’t be both.
I was sexually abused by the local babysitter when I was about five or six years old. I don’t remember what year it was – memory is kind of funny and protective that way – but I do remember it took place over the course of one or two summers beforeor after I attended kindergarten.
I look at pictures of myself then – god I was so cute it’s painful to me now… and what kind of fucked up world do we live in that someone woulddo that to a child, to me? …
so I grew up catholic in lincoln nebraska. 2828 stratford avenue. everyone else in my family remembers this house as "our heyday," "the good years," and I remember it as a place of torture… I remember it painfully as the place where I was hurt, violated, in my own home.
my therpiast has said, "when something like that happens to a child, every threatening situation is life-threatening." so hello PTSD!
I repressed these memories until I was 14. I was sitting in study hall with Mrs. Polacki, fourth period, the one before lunch, and I just remembered what happened: theimages just poured over me, and when the bell rang, I got up from my desk and I could feel the weight of the memories on my shoulders, and it was a heavy burden.
that was the year Steve Goodwater died. The kid who sat behind my in that study hall. Fourteen years old, quarterback of the freshman football team, he got cancer. He was diagnosed in December and he had died by the end of March. I still pray for him and his family.
and the Catholic response: all the nonsense about "God’s plan" and "God called him home," and "The Lord’s ways are mysterious and unknown to us." to this day, anyone who talks abotu God’s plan — I want to punch them in the face. it’s hard for me.
in high school, I was oh my god — just peppy and awkward and wholly unknown. I had a few friends but I was never "popular." I’m kinda over high school. although I have an odd obsession with movies whose protagonists are in high school. I think "Can’t Hardly Wait," has gotta be my favorite teenage movie. Although one must pay homage to the starters of the genre: "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off," "Some Kind of Wonderful," "Better off Dead," "The Breakfast Club." These all came out when I was a teenager.
Also? "The Lost Boys." rrowrr! I had a life-long crush on Keifer Sutherland which ended when the series "24" came out. It was just so over the top.
Anyway. In December of 2006 I moved to Spokane. I had just been fired from my job as a bereavement counselor at Hopisce, and I was failing. really failing in new york. so I came to SPokane, moved inmy parent’s basement and temped. temping was a holy nightnmare towards the end. just ask belladonalin about the spider sprays. she’ll tell ya.
I had a panic attack in July – I hadn’t had one for a long time, although I was having them with monthly regularity when I lived in new york… and it was bad. it took weeks for me to pull out of it. I adjusted my meds, got different meds, completed my americorps application and got a job, all in a period of about a month. Maybe three weeks. Wow, that all happened really fast.
In terms of good news, I finally got out of being enmeshed with my mom, moved out of my mom’s basement. I have a great relatinoship with my dad and good friends.
I think I’m ready for a relationship again. or at least some nookie. I’ve been having a few really quiet, reflective days and I feel that has done me a world of good.
I’m houseitting for my mom – a regular source of income. The only time I’m truly comfortable here is when she’s gone. I suppose that’s fine… But dog, cat (who would not let me sleep this morning. stupid cat.) other than that, I’m pretty good.
I learned how ot knit recently, thank you mcfoo, belladonalin, and willowbean for sharing yarn, neeldes, and expertise! and I just want to hang out by myself, knit, and watch old TV.
life is good. 🙂