from facebook… 25 things which are true/blah

cross-posted because of kandigurl’s writing encouragement group…  🙂  1,359 words!!!

Description by JP2: “This meme has been so warn out by now it is really starting to smell. But in the interest of being annoying, letting you know more about myself (maybe), and wasting time at work, here are my 25 random factoids about myself.”

REJOINDER: if you have already been tagged, do not feel obligated to write more facts. Please. I’m tagging you because you tagged me. Thanks for wanting to know more about me?

1. I have gained about 80 pounds since I came to spokane two years ago. I got my thyroid tested, and it’s “underperforming.” So they changed my dosage. (yeah okay your thyroid regulates how you metabolize food, and stuff like weight gain and loss.)

2. my thyroid gland was surgically removed when I was 24, I think. or maybe 26. I had a sinus surgery also that summer, blech. my hair was awful after that (anesthesia makes your hair all brittle) and I had to cut it off later.

3. Since recent drama with boys in spokane, I lately have *no clue* when guys are hitting on me. I hate this feeling. Cause I’m single and I’m not ready for a *relationship* yet, but I would just love to go to a party, and make out with someone on the couch. This happened a lot, actually when I was in new york. good times.

3A. I miss new york like a heartache. I wouldn’t want to live there again, but I miss the zip of the energy when you’re walking down the street. I miss the bagels.

4. I talk to my imaginary friends every day. They’re usually hot actor-men. I’m deeply embarrassed by this. Cause, like Imaginary Friends? Really? Isn’t that something that kids do and then grow out of? Nope, I guess not.

5. I was sexually abused when I was a girl by the babysitter, who lived caddy-corner across from our house. I carried that around for years, not knowing about what it “made” me, or “who I was.” and the sexual shame and confusion of my teen years and early twenties… blech.

6. I was angry at God for a really long time.

7. I still, still, have a rocky relationship with Jesus. I kind of like the first century rabbi-scholar-community organizer-ass kicker who got killed in a hugely awful way by the roman empire. (I’m not actually sure about “the historical Jesus” but I love Jesus in the gospels, especially in the Gospel of Luke.) but the Christ? not so much.

8. I was angry at Jesus for a long time for “not saving me.” I’m not sure life has meaning. I’m embarrassed by this. I feel that life *should* have meaning. I just can’t seem to figure out how MY life has meaning.

9. When I was in 9th grade, Steve Goodwater, the kid who sat behind me in study hall, died of cancer. Blam! just like that. He was diagnosed in December, and he died by the end of March. I still pray for him and his family.

10. (I grew up Catholic. you can, maybe even are supposed to, pray for dead people.)

11. The response of the school, the church, was all of this “god’s plan” bullshit. I chafe at “god’s plan.” honestly: is all the suffering in this world “god’s plan”? if so, god is a fucked-up sadomasochist. babykiller. rapist. murderer. psychopath. I struggle with this concept a lot. I sort of want a kind, fluffy god who is super nice and compassionate. sometimes I ask the questions: “what is god for?” “for what purpose is god?”

12. perhaps that’s enough about religion. well, no. I was in a wiccan women’s spirituality group for many years in new york. I was an apprentice for one year and a day.

13. I discovered the feminine divine. woot. (I’m gonna spell this woman’s wrong) noetze shange: “I found god in myself, and I loved her fiercely.” from “colored girls who have considered suicide, when the rainbow is not enough.” those would be the words I would get, if I got a wordy-tattoo.

14. my dad attempted suicide. after my mom found out that he was, in fact, gay.

15. that was NOT a fun time to be in my family.

16. my dad was sexually abused by his father. when I told him, when I was 26, that I’d been sexually abused, he was catatonic for three days. he sat in a chair next to the kitchen table, and didn’t move, talk, or speak for about three days.

17. he feels like he’s failed me. I’m sorry about that – but maybe he and my mom did both. maybe god failed me. I think choosing to blame the abuser is a healthier choice.

18. I’m afraid to have children. I don’t want to pass my anxiety/depression disorder onto them. I feel like I’m too selfish. I would worry too much. but I love kids, a lot. and it’s getting toward the time when I shouldn’t have a first child…

but I just don’t think I have what it takes to be a good mother — and I feel like I’m supposed to want this. But I don’t – and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m afraid, or because my childhood was so awful I would hate to relive it through my own child’s experience.

19. I missed the television coverage of Obama getting installed because I was getting a pap smear. I missed the television coverage of the election night, because I was at a matt nathanson concert.

20. I wonder if this means I’m a lousy citizen. I’m a registered Green. because they talk about peace and social justice. I wish america had about five active political parties, and then maybe some fringe groups. I wish the DAR? still hosted the pre-election debates.

21. Everyone thinks I’m about 10-15 years younger than I actually am. I honestly don’t know what to make of this. should I change the way I dress? cut my hair? “act older?” sometimes I tell people that “my life began when I started therapy… so actually, I’m 10.” but I just don’t know.

22. it’s come to my attention recently that I can be intimidating. I don’t know what to make of this, either. It’s come from several different guys (refer to aforementioned “guy drama of #3). I’m not *physically* intimidating, so it must be the “force of my personality.”

What? I’m a smart woman with strong opinions and a good stage voice. I feel emotions and allow them to be expressed, usually in a healthy way. I can be loud. I can be really loud. I try really hard not to take my anger out on people — and when I fail, I apologize later…

I don’t get it. Really. my therapist told me to ask said boys “is there something I do that makes you intimidated, or are you easily intimidated in general?”

23. I’ve wanted a tattoo of a tree goddess for about 8 years now. haven’t got the courage/money yet. lately I’ve been wanting a tattoo of the goddess Lilith. because I think it would be cool to explain Lilith to people whenever I wear a tank top. I will probably do one or both by the end of the year.

24. despite or perhaps because of all the damn drama in my life this past month, I have been carried and supported by friends. I am so profoundly grateful, that I would probably have trouble expressing my gratefulness without crying. honest.

maybe there’s some residual feelings of worthlessness from having grown up catholic. maybe I’m just surprised by kindness, even though I don’t want to be. maybe I’m just surprised that people care about me — that they find something in me worth caring about.

25. there’s too much damn drama in my life. I want to find healthier coping mechanisms. I signed up for a yoga class… awesome. sometimes I’m honestly surprised that this is my life.

WHEW! I didn’t think I could make it to 25. uhhh… TMI, right?