okay so on Wednesday, I dropped my laptop off at my mom’s because she knows someone who knows someone who can fix it. maybe.
actually, she works at a university, and the IT guy will probably consent to take a look at it, de-bug it, hopefully add more RAM, and give it back to me.
I have no idea how long this will take… hopefully not long.
so, usually on weekends, I like to take a break from my computer, from sitting in front of a computer all day, because that’s what I do at work, and I actually, often, need a damn break from the computer. (wow what a terribly written sentence. please forgive me.)
but this weekend I really wanted my computer. I wanted to check on my facebook, my LJ, and I also wanted to watch season three of friday night lights because mcfoo (in her awesomeness) ganked it for me from teh interwebs. and I’m behind. and of course, I can’t watch it on friday, because I’m not caught up yet.
so I really wanted my computer. I felt discomfort. I wanted the internets. it was strange. like taking an unwanted break from friends. huh. I was actually surprised.
in other news, the boy who I thought I had a crush on came over both Wednesday and Friday of last week.
Friday we had a lovely dish on the couch. (and by “dish” I mean “chat.” not “food.” although “dish” often refers to food….)
and he reveals to me he’s bi-sexual (no big, really) and that he’s kind of more into guys than into girls (another no big, I suppose. why has he been calling me all week if he’s not interested? boys only call when they’re interested. we know this, yes?)
…. so because he was so honest, and because I felt I was lying to him by not telling him… I told him how old I am. (36). which should not be a big deal, really. I am who I am, and I kinda got a late start, because so much of my twenties were spent in healing from child sexual abuse. and I look 10-12 years younger than I actually am (great skin: thanks gramma)….
yeah. guess what happened? he cancelled our plans for saturday and when I called him on sturday at midnight, he told me he was wigged out by how old I am… he’s 22.
I guess I was a little wigged out by how young he is — but I knew I was at least 10 years older than he was… here’s the thing: by *not* telling him, I felt like I was lying to him. a “lie of omission. ” (thank you catholic school! blech.) I felt like I was leading him on a little bit. or a lot.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who lies about their age. because I feel like it’s a slippery slope: if I lie about my age, what else could I lie about and get away with? people never believe me anyway when I tell them how old I am, so why bother? because I want to live a life of integrity, within and without. that’s why. I don’t want to be a liar. so I’m not. (most of time. who am I kidding?)
but still — I’m disappointed. because there was BOY EXCITEMENT of the good kind. and then the boy excitement went away. there has been a sincere lack of BOY EXCITEMENT (the good kind) in my life the past 12 months.
I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said to be friends, because he lost a lot of friends when he got sober. which is understandable, I suppose.
and, yet again. boys are dumb. except Jon.
in other news, I went to an art gallery opening on Friday night. WOOT, designdriver! he sold one of his pieces which was on display. I’m really proud of him. I dressed up because I like to go to art gallery openings all dressed up, so that I can say, “Oh, how gauche!” it’s a personal joke for me that never stops being funny. I really miss new york.
in other news, I drank beer and played pool with the boss’s kid on friday after noon. we played hookey from work. and then played pool and drank beer. god. I had such a great time. I beat him, what? four to one? he scratched twice on the eight ball.
it reminded me of my former friend, and former roommate, who I used to drink beer and play pool with at the same bar, who always said to me when I scratched on the 8 ball, “that’s a dumb way to lose,” and we would continue playing. I was really sad. I miss her.
my mom got into a car wreck on Friday, which I found out while playing hookey-pool with the boss’s kid. it’s not bad, but her car was totalled and she was sore all weekend. I bought her groceries and picked up a prescription for her on saturday… the car looks bad. but thankfully, nobody was hurt.
so, when I call my brother (the other brother, who I’m not fighting with) on saturday to let him know I’ve checked in on mom – I tell him I’d really like some kind of plan, in case mom deteriorates any more. she had a mini-stroke twice last year… and now this.
he says, “send me & [the other brother, who I am in a fight with] an email.”
send me an email? this our MOM.
how disappointing. and how not shocking at all. we are so dysfunctional.
as to the brother who I am in a fight with, his birthday was this past saturday. I wrote him a card. I haven’t mailed it yet. I finally found the words last night. my therapist told me to say, “I am holding a place for healing between us in my heart.” which is true. and, “I don’t want to miss out on the richness that having you in my life would bring.” which is also true. so I said those things. I also said it was too painful to see him at a funeral and have him not speak to me. I also said that I hate being in a fight with him. but we seem to be in a fight more often than not, so perhaps I should just accept that as the state of our relationship, and maybe that will bring me some peace… I also said I pray for healing and peace for him (which is also true.) so we’ll see how that goes.
so I’m going to mail it today.
I feel like I’ve turned a corner in “the life I want to have,” as opposed to “the life I’m having now.” so that’s good. I went to yoga last week. yay for healthier coping mechanisms!
I have a lot of love and gratefulness right now.