an actual conversation I just had with my friend (who is a boy/man, whose real name is NOT X):
A: hi honey! how are you?
X: good. what have you been doing today?
X: FB? LJ? nothing? goofing off on the internet?
A: yes. all of the above. and last.fm. what’s up?
X: well, I learned it’s not herpes today…
A; well, that’s good news… what do they think it is?
X: well, they’re not really sure. I got tested for herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea, and all those came back negative.
A: well, that’s good, right?
X: well, yes. but we don’t really know what it is, so I’m not really sure. at this point, I hope it’s syphilis.
A: umm.. yeah. cause that’s treatable, right?
X: right. I’m gonna get tested for AIDS and syphilis today.
A: okay, that’s good. mind if I ask what your symptoms are? is that too personal?
X: no, no it’s fine. there are like, pin-sized bug bites on the penis. little red bumps.
X: I’ve been looking at lots of pictures on the internet, and I’m not really sure what it is…
A: that’s always a bad idea, getting medical advice from the internet.
X: ummm…. yeah.
A: this is why I have a firm, "no glove, no love" policy. condoms are good.
X: yeah, I used to think that condoms were annoying, but yeah, I’m learning that! … condoms are good. this whole thing has been so stressful.
A: I know, sweetie. condoms: yes, very helpful in the prevention of social diseases. I like to call them social diseases rather than STD’s, because, well–
X: –you’re being social when you get them?
A: yes, precisely. I could call them "naked diseases," but I really don’t want to associate being naked with bad, because I have enough issues about my body, thank you very much…
X: there’s that.
A (sarcastic teachery voice): what did we learn today?
X: that I don’t have herpes.
A: yes, well, that. I was thinking more of the "no glove, no love" policy.
X: yes, that. no glove no love. if you’re not gonna wrap it, go home and jack it.
A: (chuckles): what else did we learn today?
X: that Jack Daniels and having sex with someone you just met is a bad idea?
A: that, too. my love affair with whiskey is coming to an end. we need to have a conversation where I’m all, "it’s not you, it’s me." I really should stop calling it "my love affair with whiskey."
X: yes, you should. (chuckles.) I just want to ignore it until it goes away.
A: don’t do that. it’s your body. you need to take care of yourself. that’s the title of your next poem, by the way.
A: I hope it’s syphilis.
X: (chuckles) yes, too true. see you later?
A: yes, my dear. take good care of yourself.
X: I will.
A: love you.
X: love you too.
NOTE: condoms are good (not always the only solution to the prevention of social diseases, but much better than no-condoms). social/sexually transmitted diseases are BAD.
(comments screened. will unscreen with permission)
3/20/09 ETA: I love you flist because nobody mentioned hell, or "he’s a bad person because of xyz." thanks for being helpful. and I guess I don’t need to screen comments. cause of the love. thanks.
3/23/09: X called me yesterday to report that he tested negative for the big diseases: syphillis, HIV, herpes, chlymidia and gonorrea. so I guess now he thinks it’s just a rash. I asked him about crabs, and he said he’d had them before, and it didn’t look the same. the people at the emergency clinic told him to get some cortisone and try that.
so…. we learned, (well we already knew this, so we re-learned) that boy/men freak out over their penix more often than not. (I’m not really sure what the plural of "penis" should be. maybe somebody knows but I certainly don’t.) and when they freak out about their penix, all drama becomes about the Boy/Men and Their Appendages. I really hope he practices safer sex. I am not his mommy or older sister, but I really care about him and would hate for something to go that badly wrong.