oh, precious conundrum. or should I say the latin plural, conundra…

email exchange with my friend M, who is a delightful, happily married man, about dating and banging someone like a broken screen door in a hurricane.  wherein much is discussed. 

Me:  HI M!!!!!! 
I hope you had a delightful memorial day weekend. I went camping with Sam, a new friend who wants to bang me like a broken screen door in a hurricane.  *sigh*  I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I read not one, but TWO Nora Roberts novels this weekend.  both with murderers named Jerry.  I think she’s slipping.  think murder mystery/romance novel.  I know.  sex and violence.  I read chaucer in college, and look, how low have I fallen. 

M:  Well Hello Beautiful,
I had a productive weekend, building a small deck and tilling the back yard to prep for laying sod.  Worked alot that is about all it is not what I would call fun but it was good.  

There is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned banging sometimes it is the best thing for a saucy sexy woman such as yourself!

Murder mysteries can be fun all I did of any entertainment value was to watch Terminator salvation it was mediocre at best, other than that the weekend was pretty much just an excuse to toil in the sunshine and get sore beyond the realms of man.  

Still questing for Boobs and the like.,  I do not think it is bad just different for me.

Love you too beautiful talk with you soon.

Me:  Hi M,

a good old fashioned banging, indeed.

the problem is, that Sam is a nice guy – no problem there – and is a computer geek – no problem there – most likely is a virgin (maybe a problem there?), kind of not a great kisser (we kissed maybe once or twice over the weekend.  once when I was half asleep, once when I was awake and he kinda man-handled me onto his lap and gave me a smooch.  I wasn’t in the mood for it – I was tired, we were packing to leave – and I wasn’t that impressed.) 

now he’s looking at me, gazing at me with mooney eyes and it’s just kind of boring me…  (kind of problematic) and feh. 

I’m a LITTLE guilty for wanting to be "swept away" with a little romance, good food, good wine, good sex, and knowing that none of these things will happen – he’s not a sweeper, couldn’t be one if he had a powerful broom – and them’s are just the facts.

then I feel a LITTLE guilty – hey!  I’m judging him too soon!  and not particularly kindly! 

and then, I just circle my thoughts into a Feh-Fest.  I don’t want to put into the category of "good enough to be friends with but hells no I’m not gonna date you."  but yet, there he is.

and then I berate myself for being single:  are my standards too high?  can I find a man who will be Attractive, and Funny, and Smart, and Good-Natured, Who Will Be a Great Lay?  He’s got smart and good-natured down.  Maybe I should be more specific in my requests to the universe about a dating partner/potential lifemate. 

one of the problems in this scenario with Sam is that I can tell, I can just Tell, that I’ve been around this block a few more times than he has.  He would be putty in my hands – I could mold him, teach him skills, teach him how to be charming, funny, teach him sexual skills — but would he then, not, go to be with the Next One?  would I not get bored if I viewed him as a fixer-upper?  a flipper?  (in the sense of "flip that house!")

I’m fairly certain I would.

then I berate myself for thinking of a dating partner as a thing, not a person.  a person has emotional nuances, feelings (which get hurt oh yes), and a house (slap on a coat of paint, redo the kitchen, replace the floors, accessorize with pretty colors, etc etc) and a house, though an investment, is not a good metaphor for a person.

an emotional investment can go into a person or a house. 

and the ones who are suave, know how to dress themselves, sexy, sly and sexually competent are players, (who trest women badly and/or as items to be used and discarded) or already married.  (no offense.)

so, you see, I am in a conundrum.  I can already see if I have sex with him, he would follow me around like a love-sick puppy dog and I would eventually slap him back (metaphorcaily or possibly physically.)  and I’m concerned that the sex would be BAD.  I’ve had bad sex before, and have no interest in further bad sex, thank you very much. 


save the date for June 27 because I’m having a pre-birthday party. 

love you, A.

please, lemme know:  should I lower my already-low standards?   (e.g. breathing?)

5 thoughts on “oh, precious conundrum. or should I say the latin plural, conundra…”

  1. You missed a redaction :p

    Eh. If it isn’t there, it isn’t there. If you already feel the “OMG I LOVE YOU!!!!” from this person, I’d avoid it like the plague if you don’t feel that way. It ends badly. Always. OMG.


    1. you’re quite right. but michael and sam are common enough names, no?


      I don’t really think people have to jump in bed before they decide if they like each other. maybe I’m just being cautious.

      feh. it’s hot. I’m leaving. (the office)


  2. Bah!!! You girls and your “standards”…. 😛

    Okay first things first, I am coming from a pragmatic “boy” stand point. Dating, romance, and sex are all skills. They need to be practiced in order to get better at them. Some times you date for the fun of it, or as a space filler, or without the expectation of a long term partner/life-mate. Refusal to date someone if you don’t instantly see your self getting married to them, will lead to a very lonely life. Sometimes you just have to try it to see if you like it. I have been surprised on many occasions as to who I got along with best and why.

    Now, here’s the thing, if you are not attracted to him, then that’s another story. If it’s not there, then it’s not there, and trying to make it happen is an exercise in futility. I understand that. If you are attracted enough to let him kiss you in the first place, then it seems like you have something already. Perhaps, what I am getting is that you think that dating/sleeping with/having a relationship with this person is going to be more trouble or effort than it’s worth? Then you just need to draw a clear line and be done with it.

    But here you are considering whether or not you want to let things progress. If you do, and you are not looking for him to be “the one”, then you need to draw clear, distinct lines. Do it immediately, emotionlessly, and reinforce it with a rolled up newspaper whilst yelling “no!” and smacking him on the nose with it.

    As for lack of sexual experience. We all have to start somewhere. I have more than enough for the next four people, and I can clearly say that everyone is different and even having a lot of experience a person can still fall flat. Communication is the best, and often times the only solution. Just like my Tae Kwan Do instructor used to yell “Henderson! You no do right! I show you, you do right!” Just don’t kick him in the head like my Master used to do to me following those words 😉 Okay maybe you can kick him a little. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings, just say do X like this, now you try…and eventually he’ll get it right. You’ll be satisfied, and he’ll be happy that you are satisfied. Boys don’t think like girls, even if we get our feelers hurt occasionally, we appreciate honest help/instruction if we think it will make us better.


    1. oh Sean, how I’ve missed you!

      really. “standards” : are they bad? good? meh?

      we kissed when I was half asleep, we were camping, it was day two, and we’d had a lovely snuggle-fest the night before. I was also …

      gotta get back to you later. I’m at work…


  3. MAN! I had this whole thing typed out, & an error hit me & I lost all my advice. it went something like this:

    I agree w/ the peeps above. I am also a strong believer in following your gut. my mother once gave me a piece of advice that has served me well in many different situations. just make a friggin decision! then prepare to act on that decision. if you start to feel uneasiness in your belly, it’s cause deep down, you know you’ve made the wrong choice. your gut always knows, bro. do an about-face & get your shit taken care of. it’s that simple. & so what if you make the wrong choice? you’ll learn from it eventually. that’s what life is about, mes ami. learn & go from there. so, I guess the question is, what have you learned thus far in your life?

    also? lowering standards is NEVER a good idea. all you get is massively fucked, & not in the way you’re hoping.


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