“I’ve had better conversations with toast.”

yeah okay.  it’s been a while since I wrote anything.  meh.  I was inspired by  J’s recent post.

1.  I’ve been really anxious / nervous / concerned / focused on / about getting a new job once my ameriservice ends august 31.

2.  I broke up with Sam:

  • J didn’t like him, thought I could do better.  thought he wasn’t mature enough, thought he didn’t respect my boundaries, thought I had complained too much about him not opening up…
  • Sam’s best friend Grant told me he thought I could do better, that Sam wasn’t in a very good place emotionally (e.g. Grant thought that Sam thought everything was fine and he didn’t need to grow/be worried about being a better person etc.  Grant said, “this is a very bad place to be.”  I agreed.)
  • my therapist told me “you have to date someone your own age and maturity level.  you’ve worked so hard, Anna.”
  • Sean and Mary ( and  ) didn’t really like him much either.  Mary wasn’t impressed.  Sean was like, “dude, really?”  the three of us had a lovely evening drinking beer and playing pool at a sketchy bar, whilst talking about our “various crimes.”  ahhh…  good times.  we should do it again really soon…
  • THEN, last night, my friend Michael, told me, in reference to his conversation with Sam at the cigar bar on Michael’s birthday, that:  HE’S HAD BETTER CONVERSATIONS WITH TOAST.  says Michael, whose opinion I respect because he’s awesome, “I’ve had better conversations with toast!”  and, also, “he’s not good enough for you because you’re so awesome. he’s not smart enough for you because you’re awesome.”  etc.

“I’ve had better conversations with toast.”

so most of the people I love and who care about me didn’t really think he was good enough for me.  oh my.

somewhere in between “but but but but…  you’re not honoring my choices!  this is my choice and if you care about me you’ll be supportive of my choices!  (even if they are sort of boneheaded sometimes!” and, “Why are you telling me how to live my life?” and “yes, other people see things more clearly than I do, yes.  this is why we have friends in the first place.  cause they love us and tell us when we’re doing boneheaded things…”

I kind of realized that the people who care about me and love me were in consensus.

at first, I guess, I felt a little pressured to break up with him, and then was sorry I’d done it.  it’s nice to have a naked man in your bed sometimes.  really nice.  then again.  he was kinda snippy at times.  and not particularly open about self-disclosure.  and french.  oh yes, he was raised in france.  never shoulda dated a frenchman…  (egad.  sorry.)

3.  (or 1A) I’ve had two job interviews at this fantastic nonprofit here in spokane.  (Community Minded Enterprises for you Spokanites) and I haven’t heard back from them.  The Exectuive Director said, at my interview with him last thursday, that they’d get back to me, “early next week.”  which is Monday or Tuesday of this week, right?  right (you time genies)?  so…  when I hadn’t heard anything by Wendesday afternoon, I called them.  I talked to the HR gal who was very sweet.  I said I wasn’t nagging cause I didn’t want to be a “nagger,” but I would really love to know if there was any news about whether or not I’d been hired…  she laughed.  She said, “no, gentle reminders are fine!  you’re not nagging at all!  gentle reminders are totally fine! ”  (I kinda wanted to say, “if you met my mother, you’d know why it’s a concern…”  but I refrained.)

then she said that the last she heard was that the two people I’d interviewed with were going to get together and talk about me.  which is good news.  and that she wasn’t the kind of HR person who just leaves people hanging – that she would tell me either way as soon as she knew anything.

I’ve been asking for a lot of prayer from my facebook updates.  cause I know a lot of people on FB who are clergy types and comfortable with that sort of thing.  it feels wierd, asking for prayer.  but I think it helps, I really do.

17 (do I have to count in order?  not today.)  “It was agreed upon by all parties” (ahhh….  the passive voice sometimes has its uses)…  that it would be best for me and the youth group where I was youth minister that I cease to be the youth minister.  in short, somewhere in between “I resigned” “I resigned because it’s likely they would have fired me” and “they were going to fire me so I resigned” lies the murky truth.  ummm…  it wasn’t really working out.  so…  I feel ambivalent.  maybe I should have tried harder.  but there was a confluence of circumstances which made it not such a great job.  maybe I’ll post about that later….  the good news is they’re going to pay me for vacation bible school…

ummmm….  that might be everything.

I think this is a “more confident anxiety” than the one that plagued me last summer, while looking for a job.  I certainly have a better living situation…  but I’m certainly trying to lean on the universe a little bit…  trust a little bit more…  that I will be provided for….
meep!  onward!